Dissociative disease - probably a catchphrase I picked up somewhere to describe a medical malady, that I'm sure I don't suffer from in real life...it still accurately describes my view on the past and present.
(Aha! Dissociative Identitiy Disorder - a.k.a. Multiple Personalities. Yeah, I'm definitely not suffering from that.)
I ran cross country in high school - the first day, we ran 7 miles, and I remember my legs turning to jello and my chest tightening as though readying for liftoff into space. I remember the physical sensations, yet a major part of my brain has difficulty accepting the fact that that person was ME. I remember writing an epic poem summarizing The Odyssey, writing feverishly on the tourboats I worked on, in between cleaning the boat and waiting for the tourists to show up. Was there really a time when I wrote epic poems with skill? Was I really in plays and choir, even karate just 2 years ago?
This goes both ways, regarding some of the questionable choices I've made - I have done some things that the accepted moral code of this God-fearing American society would be ready to jump all over. I can accept this intellectually, yet in my mind I can only look impassively at these acts as events that have shaped the course of my life, and revel in the fact that they are proof that I'm ALIVE.
Mostly, though, I feel that this behind-the-scenes approach leaves me wanting - wanting to be a better friend and girlfriend and lover and worker, more creative, less boring, more intellectual - things that seem out of reach for someone removed from her physcial self.
Posted by zippy at September 30, 2003 10:01 PM